This year, for all its hardships, is shaping up to be the year of personal gains. I sincerely feel 2020 will be a net positive for me: I’m more confident than ever, I have a better understanding of myself, and I’ve finally found a person dearest to me.

But I’m afraid my creative side is paying the price. My inability to express myself and to find—or create—anything evocative is continuing for many months. I’ve tried attributing it to burnout, lack of time, or general tiredness, but the problem seems to be bigger than any of these issues.

It used to take just a little observation to make me research topics of my personal interest and jump straight to writing afterwards. Now, it became extremely hard and impractical to get myself inspired. For example, if I want to look at some events from few decades ago, I must allocate plenty of time, turn on some period-specific music, flip through tons of clips—and then I might (or might not) come close to the required state of mind.

And we are talking about a scenario where I understand what I want to cover. Lately, I ended up staring at a screen for hours with no idea what I even want to do. To make things worse, museums and libraries—only venues which can surely put me in a proper mood—are either closed or, because of COVID-19 precautions, aren’t worth the risk of commuting through the city.

Recently, that made me unhealthy envious of everyone whom I perceive to be a more prolific creator, getting annoyed by their weekly videos, book deals, huge portfolios, and event invitations. This is an inexcusable behavior towards many people whom I personally respect, and it does nothing but destroys what’s left of my enthusiasm.

I don’t see a reasonable way to escape the situation. An unreasonable one is to take an obscenely long vacation and use it in lieu of a sabbatical. That would be highly irresponsible, and it’s not just me anymore whom I have to materially support. Leaving the issue alone won’t cut it either, as I want to remove whatever’s keeping me from covering my personal interests. Besides, I believe that, by not doing so, I am putting a limit on what I can achieve.

This post is a cry for help. On behalf of me and all my stalled projects, I am asking you for any advice you’d find relevant.